Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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