He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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