my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
two words: eviction party
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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