dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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