someone threw a dead crab at me
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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