My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
try to milk me bitch
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
