The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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