i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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