and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
