i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
