I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
