made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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