having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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