when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
