Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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