remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
