It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My dick has a subreddit
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
