so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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