Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
