he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
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