i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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