This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
