if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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