So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
