did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
