i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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