i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
