You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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