We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
