I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
