you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
