My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Sext me about skeletons
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
