Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
