Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
