I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
