I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
