The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
