The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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