so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
