i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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