i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
we're making bets on your personal life
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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