There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
