not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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