This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
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