ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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