He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize