if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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