i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
