u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize