In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
