I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
