my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
