My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
