U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
