More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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