We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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